did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
