Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
