I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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