I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
