Someone shit on the floor
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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