Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
