I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
