You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
