I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Boobs speak an international language.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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