Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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