i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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