Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
