My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
