I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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