mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
