Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
