I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
