Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
