You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
