I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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