I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
