Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
