I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
we're making bets on your personal life
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
