At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
