I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
