im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
