A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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