I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
