Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
