When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
