I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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