i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
