I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she looked like the before picture.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
