I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
