at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
