Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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