dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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