I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
