You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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