How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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