My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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