thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize