Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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