If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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