Umm I'm too high to move.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
