I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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