like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
