I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There's a naked man in my car right now.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
