she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
