he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
