Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize