i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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