So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
