It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
