2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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