I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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