youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
where are you?
Hypothermia
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
