Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
