i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
MIDGETS
????
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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