bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
