Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
