I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize