Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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