grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
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