I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
