Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
